Tool one: Understanding stress
We each respond to stress in different ways. Recognizing when we feel overwhelmed, withdrawn, or able to stay connected helps us understand our reactions. Explore the descriptions below to see what feels familiar to you.
What you might notice
- Racing thoughts or difficulty concentrating
- Panic or a feeling that something bad is about to happen
- Constantly looking for signs that something is wrong
- A tight chest, shallow breathing, or tense muscles
- Becoming irritated quickly
- Feeling that you have to do something immediately
Things to try
Try a slow breath with a longer exhale. Feel your feet on the floor or your back against the chair. You can also try cool water on your hands or name five things you can see.
What you might notice
- Aware of yourself and your surroundings
- Upset, but able to manage the feeling
- Able to listen without immediately defending yourself
- Able to consider another point of view
- Able to talk about how you feel
What this means
You can feel angry, sad, or afraid and still be able to think and listen. Therapists call this being within your window of tolerance.
In therapy, we can look at what helps you manage your feelings and recover when you're overwhelmed.
What you might notice
- Feeling foggy or distant from what is happening
- Feeling numb
- Feeling heavy, sleepy, or unusually tired
- Finding it hard to speak
- Withdrawing from people around you
- Finding it hard to ask for help
Things to try
Try standing up, stretching, or taking a short walk. You could also look out a window, hold something with texture, or run warm water over your hands.
The window of tolerance comes from Dr. Dan Siegel's work, with later contributions from Pat Ogden and Peter Levine.
Tool two: The STOP practice
A pause gives us a chance to notice what we are feeling and choose how we want to respond. I use the STOP practice to help bring that awareness into everyday conversations.
Stop
Pause what you're doing for a moment.
Take a breath
Take a breath and let it out slowly.
Observe
Notice your thoughts and feelings. Is your body tense? Are you holding your breath?
Proceed
Decide what you want to do or say next.
STOP comes from mindfulness-based stress reduction. Try it during an ordinary day so it's familiar when you need it.
Tool three: Grounding
Grounding brings our attention back to the present through the body, the senses, and our connection with others. These are a few ways to practice it.
Notice your body
Try this when you're tense or your thoughts are racing.
- Feel your feet on the floor
- Feel your back against the chair
- Notice what your hands are touching
- Breathe out slowly, four or five times
- Stretch or roll your shoulders
- Notice a part of your body that feels comfortable or neutral
Use your senses
Try this when you feel distant from your surroundings.
- Name a few things you can see
- Listen for sounds nearby and farther away
- Look out a window and find something moving
- Hold something textured and notice how it feels
- Smell a cut lemon or some cinnamon
- Run cool or warm water over your hands
- Drink some water slowly
Think of someone you trust
Try this after an upsetting conversation.
- Think of a person or animal you love
- Picture a place where you have felt safe
- Hold something that reminds you of someone you care about
- Call or text someone you trust
Tool four: Naming your feelings
Finding words for our feelings helps us understand ourselves and share our experience with someone else.
The eight groups below offer a range of words for what you may be feeling.
- Anger
- Irritationfrustrationresentmentindignationfury
- Fear
- Uneaseapprehensiondreadoverwhelmterror
- Sadness
- Disappointmentlonelinessgrieflongingdespair
- Shame
- Self-consciousnessembarrassmenthumiliationworthlessness
- Guilt
- Regretremorsecontritionfeeling bad about something you did
- Joy
- Contentmentgladnessdelightelation
- Love
- Warmthaffectiontendernessdevotioncompassion
- Desire
- Interestenthusiasmwantingpassionzest
Guilt is feeling bad about something you've done. Shame is feeling bad about who you are. It can help to notice which one you're feeling.
Tool five: The feedback wheel
The feedback wheel comes from Terry Real's Relational Life Therapy. I use it with couples to help each person describe an experience and feel heard, while leaving room to understand one another.
Begin with one situation and work through the four steps. Writing down your thoughts beforehand can help you decide what you want to share.
-
1
What happened
Say what you saw or heard.
"You came in at eight and went straight upstairs."
-
2
What I thought it meant
Explain how you understood it. Your partner may have seen it differently.
"I thought you wanted to be alone and didn't want to spend time with me."
-
3
How I felt
Name how you felt.
"I felt lonely and worried."
-
4
What I'd like
Ask for something specific.
"Could we spend a few minutes together when you get home?"
Choose a time when you can both listen. Talk about one situation at a time.
When it's your turn to listen, try to understand how your partner felt, even if you remember things differently.
Tool six: Taking a break during an argument
When a conversation becomes heated, it can be hard to listen and respond with care. Agreeing on a way to pause, and a time to return, allows you to continue the conversation when you can hear one another.
- Choose a signal. Agree on a word or gesture while you're both calm.
- Say you need a break. For example: “I'm getting overwhelmed. I need a few minutes.”
- Stop the conversation. Respect the signal even if you have more to say.
- Give each other space. Spend some time apart or pause the phone call.
- Agree when to come back. Name a time, and keep that agreement.
A break works best when you both know the conversation will continue. Give yourselves time to reconnect before returning to the disagreement; some couples find it helps to wait until the next day.
Watch: The power of vulnerability
Brené Brown talks about vulnerability and our relationships with other people.
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